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Mailboxed-Kitten

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Kitten Kisses

5 min read



I like the siamese in the picture... it reminds me of her.

So tonight I finally felt my heart heave a sigh of relief and part of my mind went silent. I found myself looking at the shelf we have as a partial memorial and trinkets of hers. My cat's that is. Her name was Duchess and she's the little fuzzball that's been my webcam pic for goodness know how long now. She got sick though and we had to put her down just over seven months ago. January 17th was the first day of classes for the spring semester and was one of the hardest days of my life. I ended up missing most of my classes that day so I could spend a few final moments with her before taking her to the veterinary clinic she's always gone to.

I'd never had such a hard time in my life signing my name... because the moment I signed my name a light in my life was going to finally fade into darkness. She'd been part of nearly half my life and was the reason at times I'd preserved my sanity. She wasn't just a cat, she was family. She loved so many people and was loved by many. So many people cried at her loss... my husband and I cried the hardest. He'd only spent five years with her, but she'd become as integral to his life as she was to mine.

She was our baby we loved so much.

She's gone and I still feel the sting of tears rolling down my cheeks when I least expect it.

Until tonight.

We'd had her cremated... when we received her ashes the vet clinic had done a paw print that was engraved with her name. It'd caught us off guard and we were crying again with the pain of joyful memories. We used to poke at and play with her toes and she liked that. They didn't know this though, but still gave us a way to have that feeling again even if it was in reverse.

When we got back the ashes though it was a white tin in a burgundy velvet bag that has the words "Until we meet at the rainbow bridge..." embroidered into it. I'd looked and saw the tin, but never looked at the ashes. I didn't want to... it'd make everything too real.

Tonight I finally opened the tin and looked at the bag that holds the ashes of what was and still is my beloved cat. Such a wonderful little critter she was. I cried again, but it was different. It wasn't painful like before and every tear felt like a step forward toward the light, pulling my heart from a suffocating darkness.

Why am I pouring my heart out like this right now though?

I am an artist and to me... art is an expression of the soul. These are unadulterated thoughts. This is my expressing my inner self, no holds barred.

Through these words I figured I would create art for her and to share with you all:

With the smallest of purrs and the tickle of fur,
She became mine as I became hers.
I saw your blue eyes and I realized,
The treasure I found was an immeasurable prize.
In time of great sorrow and consumed by my past,
Your love was still pouring when I felt my soul fast.
A darkness so consuming that I never knew why,
And each time that I'd weep and I felt myself die,
With a nuzzle and a lick to keep the darkness at bay,
You'd bring forth a light and then show me the way,
But now you've moved on and my life moves ahead.
Leaving the spot at the foot of my bed.
My heart can now heal as your memory's the cure,
As I remember your purrs and the tickle of fur.

I hope the poem isn't too... well yeah. It's from the bottom of my heart and I'm sticking with it.


Thanks for reading~

Graphics by tyleramato
CSS by moonfreak
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Why? Because after pining, coveting, whimpering and whining about it... (because I did not own it) I am the proud owner of a Wacom Cintiq 21ux.

I would have given up chocolate for a year if it meant I'd have a Cintiq; thank goodness that's not the case. I call this a new era though, but why? Well as is probably understandable (and can be seen in my gallery), my traditional media versus my digital media have slightly different styles as far as the drawings go.

No more.

The reason my tablet work looks different from my pencil work is that I was always disconnected from being able to look directly at what my hands were doing, but now? Already my productivity level has gone up and I'm seeing my personal and beloved style becoming consistent and appearing in my digital art now. I debate looking over my updated demotivational and changing it to suit my traditional style more, but I probably won't. A fair heads up if anything I guess.

But yeah... a lot more artwork will start appearing so keep an eye out.


With Love ~ :heart:
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Okay to start this off I would like to point out I did not write "Traditional Art versus Digital Art" for a reason. More often than not when you see it listed like that it gives the impression they are not the same art. In the grand scheme of things they are. Art to me should be an expression of yourself. Be it your thoughts, passions, emotions, sick ideas you want to see on paper or on a monitor or simply just the get the feel of that medium in your hand... it comes down to expression. People lose sight of that these days... Now I will say I have a fairly strong distaste for "digital artwork" and it's not usually the creation or the process, but the driving force behind it (that being why others do it). There are too many people that take the digital route because "it's easier" than traditional media. These people are a shame to traditional and digital artists alike!

An example of this concept though: People who say the "anime style" is not art don't realize many phenomenal anime artists have a very strong background in fine art. I feel the anime style has unfortunately became an artistic whore because people will mindlessly scribble shit down and call it art while hiding behind the anime style calling other "close minded" if someone critiques it as less than perfect or they throw up the disclaimer saying it sucks. Why would you put up something that sucks? Be proud of your work! And who says I am to judge what is art and what is not? Pfft, go to 4chan and you'll get your answer. I strongly suggest /b/ if you're okay with mentally scarring yourself. Anyway. The point of this entry, rant or whatever you want to call it is to get down "onto paper" so to speak my formalized thoughts and feelings on this topic.

Anyone who says "digital art" isn't real can suck it. I hate calling it digital art. Strongly hate that. It's art created with digital techniques, srsly. It is very real. My distaste for digital comes with the method often used (a tablet or a mouse). It feels impersonal and that if I am expressing intense emotions you'll never be able to see parts of the lines I have drawn dented slightly into the paper to allow you to "feel" the drawing. This is for myself not others of course. I use too much of my hands in my drawings. Just doesn't seem natural. To me digital art ruins me for traditional media. I was on a huge digital kick for a while and still doing graphite work, but found my traditional work began to suffer. It's the undo button that kills me. This is my personal problem with it though.

Digital art is hard work though. You need to learn so many tools of the trade. Programs, settings for your tablet, relearning how to draw in some cases (you can't really turn the drawing at a slight angle for that ergonomic feel... not without some good plug-ins) and all the bits and pieces that go with it. Now... while it takes "more brain power" to use the digital technique I don't find nearly as much satisfaction using it. It may be easier to pick up a brush and drag it across a canvas, but having a watercolor painting ruined because you had too much water on the brush? Let's say there is an enormous amount of expectations for either medium if you want to be successful. Digital to me though, never feels like much of an achievement. Using a difficult medium and mastering it does not mean you can create beautiful art, but using what I call "unforgiving" media gives a greater sense of accomplishment. The undo button spoils me so I try to use the eraser and never the undo button. When drawing on the computer that is. ( I have a deep love for photomanips though X3 )

This journal entry is kind of odd because well, I am clearly in conflict with how I feel about both. Last night I was working on a drawing using pencils, copic markers, india ink pens and some lovely marker paper. I had worked on it slowly and carefully for hours and was at my finishing touch; I was giving the girl a slight blush to her cheeks. Now I must explain something quick. I have three colorless blenders. One for reds, oranges and browns. One for blues, greens and greys. Purples depends if it's more blue or red. The last one is for light colors. I have three for the reason that I'd kill my markers trying to get the color out entirely, kthx no. At any rate... I grabbed my light tea rose marker, dabbed on a little color on her cheeks and quickly grabbed a colorless blender so I could blend it before the ink dried. Guess what I didn't do? I didn't check which one I grabbed.

Suddenly there's a small blue streak on her right cheek. A loud gasp came! An "oh no!" and "oh shit!". I just stared at it in absolute panic. Hours of work thrown away with one little blue mark. Seconds away from completing the piece and it was to be trashed from that point on... When I get a scanner I'll post it on devART. I managed to salvage it (barely could) and it looks great now! I would have cried so god damned hard. I was very fortunate the mark was on the far far right of her cheek where I could "pull" some of her hair down to cover it. If I hadn't said anything you'd have never known. Because of this all it felt so satisfying when it was done. Why? Because I risked hours of work for hours on end where a single mistake could throw it away. I conquered myself and have my pride fully behind the piece. I like the "risk" involved. It's empowering. It's not for everyone though.

What's the point of this journal though? Eh, not so sure I could explain it... but from a person that "doesn't like digital work" that much I want to take a stance and remind people that what makes art is always the person behind it. It doesn't matter if the technique they used was "easy" or not. When you look at the piece do you see the human behind the brush strokes? "Real" or not? Do you understand what they are trying to convey? Does it trigger feelings, emotions, thoughts? It doesn't matter the form, you are looking at art. Someone can pour as much of their soul they want into an actual oil painting or a digital oil painting.

My ending note I guess? People that say traditional art is the only true art... STOP THAT. People that think digital art is harder because of the vast amount of tools involved that you must learn... STOP THAT. Tell me what is harder... learning to use a computer program or learning to mix chemicals properly to create your own glaze for your pottery that is whatever color you need it to be? I rest my case. There's science in all of this people so stop putting yourself on a pedestal because of this.


To me a true artist is a person that give something to their work to bring life to it... to express something. Whether or not it's for them or for others? Entirely up to them... in the grand scheme of things it's the thought that counts. I rest my case. I'll continue to use my pencils, charcoals, markers, photoshop, intuos tablet and wonderful laptop. Why? Because I want to and because I can. I don't actually hate digital techniques, I just don't like to use it to draw. Photomanips? Wouldn't have it any other way. =D I hope I didn't offend anyone, but this is how I feel and what I have to say. Feel differently? Please express it then. Why? Because it's your right to. No one can ever take away how you feel in your heart, but most of us forget sometimes.

I live the life of an artist... showing the world everything I've got while letting nothing be taken away. Art is my love. Art is my life. I hope people are as passionate about their work as I am about mine. It only seems right... because again, why post something you're not proud of. Loving your art is loving yourself. With that I bid you all a good night.
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