I like the siamese in the picture... it reminds me of her.
So tonight I finally felt my heart heave a sigh of relief and part of my mind went silent. I found myself looking at the shelf we have as a partial memorial and trinkets of hers. My cat's that is. Her name was Duchess and she's the little fuzzball that's been my webcam pic for goodness know how long now. She got sick though and we had to put her down just over seven months ago. January 17th was the first day of classes for the spring semester and was one of the hardest days of my life. I ended up missing most of my classes that day so I could spend a few final moments with her before taking her to the veterinary clinic she's always gone to.
I'd never had such a hard time in my life signing my name... because the moment I signed my name a light in my life was going to finally fade into darkness. She'd been part of nearly half my life and was the reason at times I'd preserved my sanity. She wasn't just a cat, she was family. She loved so many people and was loved by many. So many people cried at her loss... my husband and I cried the hardest. He'd only spent five years with her, but she'd become as integral to his life as she was to mine.
She was our baby we loved so much.
She's gone and I still feel the sting of tears rolling down my cheeks when I least expect it.
We'd had her cremated... when we received her ashes the vet clinic had done a paw print that was engraved with her name. It'd caught us off guard and we were crying again with the pain of joyful memories. We used to poke at and play with her toes and she liked that. They didn't know this though, but still gave us a way to have that feeling again even if it was in reverse.
When we got back the ashes though it was a white tin in a burgundy velvet bag that has the words "Until we meet at the rainbow bridge..." embroidered into it. I'd looked and saw the tin, but never looked at the ashes. I didn't want to... it'd make everything too real.
Tonight I finally opened the tin and looked at the bag that holds the ashes of what was and still is my beloved cat. Such a wonderful little critter she was. I cried again, but it was different. It wasn't painful like before and every tear felt like a step forward toward the light, pulling my heart from a suffocating darkness.
Why am I pouring my heart out like this right now though?
I am an artist and to me... art is an expression of the soul. These are unadulterated thoughts. This is my expressing my inner self, no holds barred.
Through these words I figured I would create art for her and to share with you all:
With the smallest of purrs and the tickle of fur,
She became mine as I became hers.
I saw your blue eyes and I realized,
The treasure I found was an immeasurable prize.
In time of great sorrow and consumed by my past,
Your love was still pouring when I felt my soul fast.
A darkness so consuming that I never knew why,
And each time that I'd weep and I felt myself die,
With a nuzzle and a lick to keep the darkness at bay,
You'd bring forth a light and then show me the way,
But now you've moved on and my life moves ahead.
Leaving the spot at the foot of my bed.
My heart can now heal as your memory's the cure,
As I remember your purrs and the tickle of fur.
I hope the poem isn't too... well yeah. It's from the bottom of my heart and I'm sticking with it.
Thanks for reading~